"On Tourage": Meeting in Madrid - 網球

超好笑的 一定要看一下
http://tennis.com/features/general/features.aspx?id=107864
"On Tourage": Meeting in Madrid

The tennis-based TV drama that Maria Sharapova plans to help produce is only
a vague idea in the minds of its creators at the moment. But if it were
airing this week, how would the opening scenes from the Sony Ericsson
Championships go?

By Kamakshi Tandon

Scene: The locker room at the WTA championships in Madrid. Seven players are
inside. Enter Sharapova.

SHARAPOVA:(waves) Hey everyone! I made it!

SERENA:(laughs) Yeah – Venus says, ‘Merry Christmas.’

SHARAPOVA: Hey, I finished tied for eighth – and that’s when I hardly
played.

IVANOVIC: Yes, that’s very exciting, Maria, but Daniela would have got in
first because she played more tournaments.

SHARAPOVA: That doesn’t make any sense. If I end up with the same number of
points with fewer tournaments, didn’t I do better? Playing a lot doesn’t
prove anything.

JANKOVIC:(indignant) And what’s wrong with playing a lot?

HANTUCHOVA: Besides, I won two tournaments. Maria just won one.

KUZNETSOVA: And what’s wrong with winning just one tournament?

CHAKVETADZE: I won four – so I’m second? Justine has nine, I’ve got four.
Jelena has four too. Ana, you have three?

IVANOVIC: And the final of Roland Garros. That was very exciting. But who
breaks the tie between you and Jelena?

CHAKVETADZE: I guess Jelena – I didn’t play as many tournaments as her.

KUZNETSOVA: No one plays as many tournaments as Jelena. Why do you play so
much?

JANKOVIC: I was losing first round in every tournament last year, so I think
I should enter every week just so I can get some matches. Then I started
winning and I had such tough draws all the time, I was too tired to pull out.
All those phone calls and fines, not to mention Larry always sobbing and
pleading. Also, I don’t really like to pull out.

SERENA: And what’s wrong with pulling out of events? If we hadn’t given
Larry all that practice, he never would have been to get all those millions
out of Sony Ericsson.

SHARAPOVA: You guys take Larry’s phone calls? During the winter he called me
when I was in the middle of shopping and now he’s straight on
call-forwarding to Max. I mean, how many times do I have to tell him, no, I
won’t change my cell phone carrier.

KUZNETSOVA: Justine, you’re very quiet.

HENIN: You know talking breaks my total focus on winning. Plus, for sure I’m
busy reading these 264 pages of notes from Carlos.

KUZNETSOVA: Come on, you can talk to me. I’m friends with everyone. I was
even nice to Maria during Fed Cup. And what happened to the new, warm Justine
we all keep hearing about?

HENIN: Of course, that’s why I didn’t glare at anyone today.

KUZNETSOVA: So I hear you’ve got a new boyfriend? Is that what the eyeliner’
s all about?

HENIN:(icy glare)

SERENA: Speaking of touchy subjects, how about Martina?

ALL:(express shocked agreement)

JANKOVIC: Yeah, wow. When she started going out with Radek, I was like, “
What is she on?” but I didn’t think I would actually get an answer.

HANTUCHOVA:I played doubles with her at the US Open and she seemed fine. I
guess she didn’t know then. It’s so strange. She's in Zurich with her new
boyrfriend.

IVANOVIC: Very exciting. Who is it?

HANTUCHOVA: He’s Ukrainian. Likes horses, like her. Very rich.

SERENA: I hope he’s got good insurance.

CHAKVETADZE: By the way, is there going to be on-court coaching here?

HANTUCHOVA: It doesn’t matter even if there is, Anna – your ex-coach can’t
come on the court and kick my water bottle.

CHAKVETADZE: I know – all the valuable tactics, he saved for his wife’s
matches. All he told me was not to cry so much because my mascara runs.

JANKOVIC: It doesn’t really matter whether they have the coaching or not,
actually. Look at us: Ana gets her coach from her clothing company, Maria
keeps saying hers is a hitting partner. Anna cannot even remember who is
coaching her this week. Serena is using only her parents and Justine is,
like, opening her mail on court. And I won’t even tell anyone who my coach
is.

SERENA: Yeah, it’s totally overrated. (whispers) Like Maria.

SHARAPOVA: What was that?

SERENA: Nothing.

SHARAPOVA: I don’t know what you’re all complaining about. Okay, so I lost
my serve when my shoulder got busted and I had to borrow Elena’s spare one,
but it’s not like most of us are doing great.

Serena can’t win unless she hasn’t played in the last six months. Jelena can
’t win anymore because she can’t stop playing. Ana stopped winning halfway
through the summer, Anna only won halfway through the summer. Sveta can’t
win a final unless her opponent retires, and Daniela can’t win a title
outside Indian Wells unless it’s to stop me getting into Madrid. And we all
keep losing to Justine.

JANKOVIC: Justine is only winning because she’s playing like the guys with
the spins and the variety. Is that even allowed? We should talk to Larry
about it.

JUSTINE: It’s allowed because I’m shorter than all of you.

IVANOVIC: By the way, why did Venus decide not to come?

SERENA: She’ll be here for UNESCO. She’s not playing because she says she’
s been having dizzy spells. But personally I think it’s golf elbow.


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