Doug Mirabelli 的一天 - 美國職棒

五年了, 重新看 day 1 依然還是會笑到岔氣, 但 google 了一下,

發覺還有 day 2 和 day 3 的故事!

Day 3 是經典, day 2 的內容比較像是 day 3 寫完後的外傳內心小劇場文。

另外因為 day 2 內容實在過 A。翻到一半還是決定讓各位自行去閱讀。

不然這個板會被控告有過多 18 禁內容而真的解散。

原文: http://goo.gl/z8z8h (day 1 ~ day 3)

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day 1

1:15 Dougie passes out on couch.

1:15 Dougie 在沙發上睡死.

之後.....

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day 3

8:00: woken up by his cell phone ringing...sees that it is Bruce Bochy
calling and puts him right to voice mail

8:00: 被手機的鈴聲吵醒, 發覺是 Bruce Bochy 打來. Dougie 選擇讓他進語音

8:01: farts on his wife...gets up and takes his early morning 90 second piss
on his hands...gets back into bed and farts on his wife again

8:01: 對老婆放了個屁。起床，泡尿 90 秒，然後又回到床上，且又對老婆放屁。

8:04: falls back asleep

8:04: 繼續睡死。

8:26: woken up again by his cell phone...sees that it is Kevin Towers this
time...answers it and assures him he has the wrong number

8:26: 又被手機吵醒，這次發覺是 Kevin Towers 打來。接起來告訴他你打錯電話啦~

8:27: walks down the stairs and trips over his kids toy...says 12 F-Bombs in
8 seconds

8:27: 走下樓梯但被小孩的玩具扮倒，8 秒內連罵了 12 個 F-bomb。

8:30: opens the fridge and threatens the life of anyone that ate his
leftovers from last nights Pupu Platter

8:30: 打開冰箱然後咆哮威脅誰吃了昨晚的 Pupu Platter (http://goo.gl/28Sbg)

8:31: chugs a beer

8:31: 秒殺一瓶啤酒。 // chug: 一口氣很快的喝完一瓶啤酒的意思 //

8:42: finishes his leftovers but cusses out his wife for buying light
beer...tells her light beer are for pussies

8:42: 吃完了昨晚剩菜但和老婆幹說怎麼買了低卡的啤酒，表示低卡啤酒是給娘砲喝的。

8:45: takes a dump

8:45: 拉屎 ing。

8:58: reads an article in ESPN the magazine about Nomar

8:58: 讀著 ESPN the magazine 上有關於 Nomar 的文章。

9:01: calls Nomar's cell and says he knows the only reason he signed with the
Dodgers is because his wife made him...and because his "bitch" was
now the manager...calls him a and hangs up before Nomar can say
anything

9:01: 打電話和 Nomar 說你會和躲人簽是因為你老婆的決定吧！而且根本是因為你的
"b...." 是你現在的教練吧！用迅雷不及掩耳的速度講完然後在 Nomar 能回應
前掛電話。

9:02: realizes he called "Nomar's Bitch" instead of "Nomar" by
mistake...thought Nomar sounded funny with a southern accent

9:02: 突然發現 幹他居然打給了 "Nomar 的 b...." 難怪覺得 Nomar 怎麼帶著很搞笑的
南方腔。
// Nomar 的 b.... 阿, 不是, 老婆, Mia Hamm 是 Alabama 出身。Alabama
在美國是口語中的南方的其中一州 //

9:15: finishes taking a dump...opens the door and yells "kids...come see the
size of this"!!!

9:15: 拉完屎，打開門叫他小孩們來看 "好大的一坨屎啊~"

9:19: sings Van Halen in the shower

9:19: 沖澡的時候依然唱著 Van Halen。
// Van Halen: 范海倫, 米國的重金屬搖滾樂團 //

9:28: shaves and leaves his goatee

9:28: 刮鬍子但依舊留著山羊鬍。

9:37: watches a rerun of his favorite TV show...24...takes viscious cuts with
his bat while screaming "Jack Bauer can't be stopped!!!"

9:37: 看著重播的 "24小時反恐任務"，然後努力的揮著棒子同時大喊 " 誰也擋不住
Jack Bauer 的！"

9:48: ignores his wife and kids when they tell him they are leaving

9:48: 完全忽視老婆和小孩和他說辜掰。

9:57: finally answers the house phone after it rings 72 times...without
saying hello or asking who it is...curses the person out for calling
during Dougie's pump up time

9:57: 響了 72 聲後 Dougie 接起電話，沒有招呼或問是誰的情況下直接開幹對方居然在
老子興奮激動的時候打給他。

9:58: tells John Henry he understands and will be on a flight that day

9:58: 告訴 John Henry 他那天一定會搭飛機的。 // 原來是襪子老闆打的電話...//

10:03: calls Theo and tells him Dougie forgives him for trading him...but to
keep that bed-wetter Loretta away from him

10:03: 打電話給 Theo 告訴他老子我原諒你之前把我送走，但記得叫那個會尿床的
Mark Loretta 的離我遠一點。

10:09: calls Kevin Towers and calls him a for signing Mike Piazza and not
playing Dougie everyday

10:09: 打電話給 Kevin Towers 告訴他幹嘛簽了 Mike Piazza 然後不用我上場。
// Piazza 2006 在教士 //

10:13: puts on his cowboy boots...tight jeans and tank top and gets ready to
leave

10:13: 穿上牛仔靴，緊身牛仔褲 & 背心 (靠 想像一下這樣的 Dougie..) 然後出門。

10:19: tells his neighbor that he just got traded back to a real baseball
team and that Dougie's goin deep tonight!!!

10:19: 和鄰居說我被交易要回到一隻像樣的球隊啦，同時 "Dougie's goin' deep
tonight!!!"

10:20: gets into his monster truck...cranks up AC-DC-Thunderstruck and heads
to the ball park

10:20: 開著他的怪物卡車，聽著 AC-DC 的音樂然後開往球場。
// 這裡的球場應該是教士的 Petco //

10:52: arrives at the stadium and parks in Piazza's reserved-front row
parking spot

10:52: 抵達球場然後停在 Piazza 的個人車位前面。

10:54: goes into the clubhouse and packs up his things

10:54: 走進休息室整理他的給西。

11:06: takes a dump in Trevor Hoffman's locker...wipes his ass with Piazza's
batting gloves

11:06: 在 Trevor Hoffman 的置物櫃上拉屎，然後用 Piazza 的打擊手套擦屁屁。

11:11: takes a call from Tim Wakfield...tells him all needs to worry about is
remembering their 10 minute handshake

11:11: 接到 Wakefield 的電話，Wake 叫他你只要記住我們 10 分鐘的擊掌就好了。
// 這邊的 handshake 應該是指像以前 Millar 和 Manny 那種超多段的擊掌 //


11:14: yells "FREEDOM" like Mel Gibson in Braveheart as he leaves the
clubhouse

11:14: 學 Mel Gibson 在 <<英雄本色>> 裡面大喊 "Freedom!!" 後離開休息室。

11:16: sees Piazza pulling into the stadium parking lot...stops him and says
that he's a p*ssy for not stabbing Clemens with the bat in the
World Series

11:16: 看到 Piazza 開進了停車場，罵 Piazza 是個娘砲因為你當年沒有拿斷棒去刺
Roger Clemens。
// Piazza & Clemens? 2000 年 World Series! //

11:18: crushes Piazza's car with his Monster truck...backs up and tells him
Ford's are for homo's...drives over his car again

11:18: 開著他的 Monster Truck 然後輾過 Piazza 的 Ford 座車。 然後對著 Piazza
說 "Ford 是給死 gay 開的!" 然後又輾過去一次...
// monster truck: http://goo.gl/CZ1fQ //

11:26: gets on the free way heading for the airport with "Born to be Wild"
blaring

11:26: 開上高速公路然後放著 Steppenwolf 的 "Born to be Wild"
// born to be wild: http://youtu.be/rMbATaj7Il8 //

11:48: pulls up to the airport terminal at a maxed out 60mph...crushes an
empty limosine in the process...gets out and says "Dougie's got a
plane to catch!!!"

11:48: 時速 60 mph 殺到機場，停下來的時候輾過了一台加長型轎車。下車後沒忘記大
喊 "Dougie's got a plane to catch!!!"

11:54: refuses to check his golf clubs...

11:54: 拒絕要把他的高爾夫球桿拿去拖運。

12:04: checks his golf clubs...autographs his cowboy hat and offers that as a
tip

12:04: 還是決定把高爾夫球桿拿去拖運，在他的牛仔帽上面簽名作為櫃檯的禮物。

12:10: tells airport security to go play in traffic when they ask him to
remove his boots

12:10: 不爽被安檢人員叫他拖下靴子。叫他們滾蛋涼快去。

12:18: chugs three beers in 1 minute at the airport bar

12:18: 在機場的吧檯一分鐘內幹完三瓶啤酒。

12:21: takes 25 swings in front of the airport bathroom mirror...screams out
loud..."Dougie's goin deep tonight!!!"

12:21: 在機場廁所練習揮擊了 25 次後大喊 "Dougie's goin' deep tonight!!!"

12:23: hitches a ride on airport motor cart...tells driver Dougie needs to
save his energy...gets off 100 feet later

12:23: ㄚˋ霸的跳上機場內的運輸車 (專門載行動不便老弱婦孺用的那種)，告訴司機老
子我要省點力氣啦。搭了 100 呎後下車。

12:28: boards American Airlines Flight 028

12:28: 搭上了 AA 28
// 這航班是有典故的，簡單來說是 1942 年出過事墜毀的航班。作者惡搞吧？//

12:29: tells Captain that American Airlines sucks and he'd rather be on
Delta...warns him not to dilly daly and make Dougie late because
he's on a tight schedule

12:29: 和機場說 AA 超爛，他寧願搭 Delta。叫機長不要亂搞拖時間，因為他的行程很
緊。

12:33: refuses to leave first class section to go sit in coach

12:33: 拒絕離開頭等艙因為被下放到經濟艙。

12:40: gets on the plane's intercom...announces no-one has to wear their
seatbelts if they don't want and says Dougie's goin deep tonight!!!

12:40: 搶了機上的廣播器，告訴大家你們不用繫安全帶且沒忘記大喊 "Dougie's
goin' deep tonight!!!"

12:48: falls asleep

12:48: 睡死。

2:33: lets out a 15 second fart and stinks up the whole plane...falls back
asleep

2:33: 放了個 15 秒的又長又臭的屁薰死了全機的人。之後又睡死。

3:38: wakes up and says it's Dougie's chow time...orders a Pupu Platter for
3...tells stuartist to fuck herself when she comes back with a
bagged lunch

3:38: 醒來大喊老子要吃飯了，點了三人份的 Pupu Platter，同時威脅空服員可以去死
如果他拎過來的是機上難吃的中餐盒。

3:58: takes a dump...leaves the door open

3:58: 開著門拉屎。

4:21: calls Francona from airplane phone...demands to bat leadoff...charges
call to Nomar's credit card

4:21: 在飛機上打電話給 Francona，威脅他老子要當先頭打者。帳單？刷 Nomar 的信用
卡。

6:44: lands at Logan Airport...gives Captain a noogie and departs the plane

6:44: 抵達 Boston Logan 機場。尻了機長的頭後下機。

6:52: gets into a State Police car...takes off for Fenway Park

6:52: 上了警車開往 Fenway。

6:54: changes into uniform in back of car...tells the State Trooper to step
on it...yells "THERE'S NO TIME!!!"

6:54: 在車後面換裝然後對開車的警察大喊沒時間了！

7:00: arrives at the Stadium...

7:00: 抵達 Fenway。

7:01: runs into clubhouse and puts on his catching gear

7:01: 跑進休息室然後帶上他的捕手給西。

7:02: bumps into Josh Beckett on the way out to the
field...they intensley stare each other down

7:02: 不小心撞到 Josh Beckett，兩人互瞪對方。

7:04: sees the lineup card and calls Francona a pussy for not batting him
leadoff

7:04: 看到棒次卡然後罵 Francona 死娘砲居然沒讓他打第一棒。

7:05: Francona hides behind Beckett

7:05: Francona 躲到 Beckett 後面。
// 因為 Schilling 不在所以只好改躲到 Beckett 後面嘛? //

7:07: greets Wakefield in the tunnel...tells him not to
waste anytime and hit Damon in the face with the first
pitch

7:07: 在通道碰到 Wakefield，叫他別浪費時間第一球直接砸在 Damon 臉上。
// Damon '06 在洋基 (第一年)；06/05/01 就是 NYY at BOS，Wake 主投，
Dougie 接 //

7:09: boo's Damon with 30,000 sox fans...calls for a high-inside fastball

7:09: 和全場 3 萬人一起噓 Damon，打了個內角快速直球的暗號。

7:15: scoreless first-no passed balls...tells Francona Dougie is a
knuckleball-catching God

7:15: 第一局沒掉分也沒補逸。和 Tito 說老子是接蝴蝶球的神。

7:16: tells Youkilis he should be batting 8th and Dougie should be leading
off...

7:16: 嗆 Youkilis 他應該打我的八棒然後我打你的一棒。 // Youk 當天打一棒 //

7:32: announces that Dougie's going deep tonight!

7:32: 大喊 "Dougie's going deep tonight!"

7:33: screams at Chien-Ming Wang...orders some porked-
fried rice and says he's taking him deep

7:33: 對王葛格大罵叫他點個豬肉炒飯，然後要把他的球扛出去。
// 當天先發是葛格 v 蝴蝶 //

7:34: takes viscious first cut...swings and misses horribly

7:34: 第一球狂揮，難看的揮棒落空。

7:35: grounds out to Jeter...refuses to run to first...tells
Francona it's just Dougie being Dougie

7:35: 打出去但遊滾給 Jeter。賭爛不往一壘跑，和 Tito 說這是 "Dougie being
Dougie"

7:46: boo's Damon

7:46: 繼續噓 Damon。

8:02: calls Jeter a homo and asks if A-Rod is jealous of his new boyfriend
Damon

8:02: 婊 Jeter 說你是個死gay，問 Jeter A-Rod 會不會因為你交了新男友 Damon 而吃
醋。

8:20: calls Wang a for throwing sliders in Dougie's last at
bat and dares him to bring the heat

8:20: 罵葛格上個打席都丟滑球，叫他有種叫你總ㄟ...不是，叫他有種下次丟速球。

8:21: hits a shot to left that's knocked down by the wind

8:21: 打到左外野但被風被吹下來。

8:22: on his way back to the dugout...tells first base
coach he must suck because he's not a third base coach
and he's lucky the wind knocked it down

8:22: 走回板凳和一壘指教說你一定超爛的因為要不然你應該是當三壘指教。

8:39: orders 4 Fenway Franks...cotton candy...bag of
peanuts...a pretzel and 4 beers

8:39: 點了四份 Fenway Franks，棉花糖，一袋花生，椒鹽捲餅和四杯啤酒。

8:40: lets out a 15 second fart and stinks up the whole dugout

8:40: 15 秒的屁，整隊都聞到了。

8:45: tells Giambi that Jeremy is better

8:45: 對 Giambi (Jason) 大喊 Jeremy (Jason 的弟弟) 比你好多了。

8:46: calls A-Rod a pompus-arrogant-prick and says that
Varitek whooped his ass

8:46: 罵 A-Rod 是個 自大跩個二五八萬的王八蛋，Varitek 整個幹爆你了。

8:47: warns Matsui...if he had anything to do with Pearl
Harbor...Dougie would kill him

8:47: 警告 Matsui 如果珍珠港事件和他有關，我一定會把你做掉。

8:55: grounds into fielder's choice...tells Francona to
pinch-run for him because Dougie's calling it a game

8:55: 打了個野選。和 Tito 說換代跑因為他今天收工了。

8:57: calls Francona a pussy for not pinch running for Dougie

8:57: 罵 Tito 死娘砲因為不幫他換代跑。

8:58: Francona hides behind Beckett

8:58: Tito 又躲到 Beckett 後面。

9:05: tells Timlin to just hit Damon in the back because
Giambi will ground into a double play anyways

9:05: 和 Timlin 講說直接砸在 Damon 背上，因為之後 Giambi 一定會打個雙殺。

9:07: boo's Damon

9:07: 再度繼續噓 Damon。

9:18: grounds out to second...refuses to run to first...

9:18: 打了個二滾。再度不爽往一壘跑。

9:20: tells Varitek to warm up because Dougie's done for
the night

9:20: 叫 Varitek 熱身因為老子要下班了。

9:25: asks Al Nipper if he played with Ted Williams

9:25: 問了 Al Nipper 是不是和 Ted Williams 同時在紅襪打球。
// Al Nipper 是 '06 的牛棚教，但重點是 Al Nipper 在紅襪打球是
...1983~1987 //

9:30: watches the 9th from the clubhouse

9:30: 在休息室看第九局。

9:34: throws everything in Willie Harris's locker on the floor...curses him
for taking his old locker

9:34: 把地上所有給西丟到 Willie Harris 的置物櫃。罵他幹嘛搶了他以前的置物櫃。

9:38: Sox win...tells Theo it must be the catching and he wants Varitek money

9:38: 路黃瓜，(比數 7:3) 和 Theo 說贏球一定是因為他這蝴蝶捕神的功勞，叫 Theo
給他 Varitek 等值的薪水。

9:45: tells ESPN reporter he's happy to be back in Boston and that he wants
to kiss her

9:45: 和 ESPN 的記者表示很高興回到 Boston，高興到示意要親她。

9:52: tells Ortiz that even though he homered...Dougie's controlling the
radio tonight

9:52: 和老爹說就算你今天有幹出去一支，今晚的電台訪問我還是要當主角。

10:01: sings "Paradise City" in the shower...pisses on his hands and Loretta

10:01: 洗澡時高唱 "Paradise City"，然後朝著 Mark Loretta 身上灑尿。

10:08: talks to media...says Dougie would have gone deep if the wind wasn't
blowing in and calls Damon a traitor

10:08: 被媒體訪問。解釋如果不是因為被風吹下來他早就幹出去一支。同時表示 Damon
是叛徒！

10:24: announces he's going to Kowloon Chinese Restaurant on Rt 1 for old
times sake...says he'll pay for anyone that wants to go

10:24: 宣告和老日子一樣要去 Route 1 的中國餐廳，要來的就來反正我會請客。

10:25: tells Loretta the only way he can come if he tells
Dougie who the hell "Josh Bard" is

10:25: 和 Loretta 說如果你要來可以，但請告訴我 Josh Bard 是何等人物？
// Bard 就是當時為了換 Dougie 回來我們丟出去的菜 //

10:32: does 10 minute handshake with Wakefield and leaves clubhouse

10:32: 和 Wakefield 玩了 10 分鐘的 handshake 然後閃人。

10:52: arrives at Kowloon Chinese Restaurant with
Youkilis...Trot...Alex Gonzalez...Willie Harris and
Foulke...orders Pupu Platter for 3 and 4 Suffering bastards for everyone

10:52: 和 Youk, Nixon, A-Gon (SS 那隻), Harris, Foulke 抵達中國餐廳。老樣子還
是點了 Pupu Platter 和幾杯 suffering bastards 的調酒。

10:59: tells Youkilis his head is huge

10:59: 和 Youk 說你頭怎麼這麼大顆。

11:30: orders a Mai-Tai and 2 more suffering bastards

11:30: 又點了 Mai-Tai 和兩杯 Suffering Bastards //Mai-Tai 也是一種調酒 //

12:20: gets bill for $387.98...pays with Nomar's credit card

12:20: 結帳。$387.98，老樣子還是用 Nomar 的信用卡付款。

12:45: stumbles into the Marriot and checks in

12:45: 踉蹌的走進 Marriott hotel 然後 check-in。

12:48: demands the swimming pool be opened up so Dougie can practice
his cannon balls

12:48: 告訴櫃台游泳池不要關，這樣他可以練習他的深水炸彈式跳水。

12:55: calls wife in San Diego...says they're moving back
to Boston and Nomar's paying for it

12:55: 打電話給在 San Diego 的老婆，叫他們搬回來反正 Nomar 會付帳。

12:58: calls wife back...asks her if she's ever heard of "Josh Bard?"

12:58: 再度打給老婆，問他有沒有聽過 Josh Bard 這個人。

1:15: takes 35 swings naked and orders porn

1:15: 裸體揮了 35 次球棒，點了A片來看。

1:28: passes out in bed

1:28: ZZZzzzzzzz。

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